Body Issues

Yesterday I was at the doctor’s office with my mother-in-law and while we were waiting I overheard a conversation between the office manager and a pharmaceutical rep.  They were discussing the latest drugs.  I had a silent giggle to myself about their conversation just because anyone who knows me knows that I only take anything as a last resort. If my essential oils don’t help… then and only then will I take something.  It’s a rare occurrence.  Anyway, as the pharma rep girl got up to leave the office manager commented on how cute she looked and what a nice dress she had on.  The rep laughed and said, “Thank you, it’s my fat girl dress.”  I was stunned.

She was far from fat.  She was an attractive girl who looked well put together.  She looked healthy & thin, and by that I mean her bones weren’t sticking out.  She looked a lot smaller than me.  I’m not skinny, but I’m not fat either. I will admit to saying out loud, “You are far from fat” as she walked by me.  She glanced quickly at me and then continued to her next destination.  Hearing her say those words made me sad.  She was young, in her mid – late 20’s.  I remember being at that age.  I remember always feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Actually, I remember a time when my ex-husband told me that I didn’t look as good as I did when we first met and needed to lose some weight.  I was 23. I weighed 130lbs. and I am 5’7″. Notice I wrote “ex-husband”.  🙂   The point is, I remember feeling fat all of the time.  My body image was warped.  I struggled too.

If I am honest with you, it’s only been recently than I actually don’t think of myself as fat.  I’m healthy.  My size fluctuates between an 8 and a 10.  If I was in Hollywood, which I am not, I would be considered overweight.  Thank God I am not in Hollywood! I like to eat food and I like to eat all kinds of food.  I no longer have what I used to call my “fat clothes”.  I got rid of those because I equated them with negative self talk and they had to go.  I am getting too old for this negative body image crap and there comes a point in your life when you realize that you aren’t an airbrushed cover girl, nor do you want to be.  This whole getting older thing may play crazy tricks with your body, but your mind rocks it as it gets older!

I also read a post from a woman, who is my age, talking about how she has always struggled with her body image and it was her goal to be a certain way before she turned 40.  Last year, I said the same thing.  I wanted to look a certain way and in my head I had convinced myself that if I didn’t look a certain way by 40 that I would have failed myself.  A few months ago I realized that I am healthier than I have ever been.  My cholesterol levels came down to healthy levels for the first time in years, my blood pressure continues to rock it, I am rarely sick, and I can keep up with my 5 year old son on the playground.  I haven’t failed.  I have succeeded!  Have I made some changes, sure, but not a lot.  I take some really amazeball vitamins. We all need to make some changes to ensure we have better health, but I finally accepted my body for what it is and it’s absolutely freeing.  I am going to walk into 40 feeling confident and proud of who I am.

My heart is sad for anyone who struggles with their body image and believes that they aren’t beautiful.  You are beautiful.  You truly are.  You have got to turn out the negative thoughts and words out of your body.  You have got to talk to yourself they way you talk to you friends.  You deserve it.  Own it!  Work it! Love you.

I do.

Failing to succeed at the morning rush

So, I am not ready for Kindergarten.  It’s not just that my baby is growing up and it’s one step closer to him leaving the nest… it’s the fact that I have got to be ready to go early.  Seems small doesn’t it?  I am sure someone will ready this and roll their eyes thinking to themselves how silly this is.  Truth is, I haven’t done “early” in a really long time.  I quit going into the office five and half years ago.  I worked from home for two and half years with the baby and I worked in my pajamas most of the time.  I was home and with kids all day.  I wasn’t in a rush to get dressed for the day.  I am still not in a rush to get dressed for the day.  I am productive during this time in my pajamas… laundry, dishes, making up beds, working on my business, etc… I just do it without being dressed for the day.

It’s amazing to me how fast things changed for me in this fashion.  I used to get up at 6 AM every morning to get ready for work and I was okay with it.  I used to be a morning person.  I used to sip on my coffee while putting on my make up and doing my hair.  I would fill up my cup one more time for the ride to work.  I was good with that.  I have changed and I didn’t even realize the impact the change would have on me.  I have got to get back to that (minus the driving to work thing because I still work at home).  I have to get back to being ready for the day early.

This past week I had B take part in a local baseball camp.  It was awesome and he loved it.  The catch was  we had to be there by 8 AM.  WHAT THE HECK?!  I totally understand why and I am not complaining but it was a shock to the system.  Let’s just say that we were rushing out the door each day and some days we were late.  It’s not a big deal, it’s just camp but for me it was a preview of what is to come for school.  The clock seems to go really fast when you have somewhere to be.  I often left without makeup and hair done…. okay I always left that way.  It’s not a big deal, but it irritated me that I couldn’t get that task done.

Our oldest, N, gets himself dressed and ready for school on his own each day which is bonus because he gets up at 5:30 AM.  High school hours suck and I am grateful he is that kid who will get himself going.  It’s probably because he has always been an early riser and can’t stand to be late to anything.  I don’t like being late to anything either but it seemed that I really had an issue with getting to this camp on time.  I started questioning how I was going to get B to school on time if I couldn’t make one week of this?  I am sure we will get it together once school starts, but for now I am in questioning mode.  A part of me says to enjoy sleeping in and doing things the way we have been doing for two more months but then the other part of me says that I need to make myself get up and start my day earlier.  Go back to the routine I had when I worked outside of the home for all of those years.  It’s a stupid struggle… a first world struggle but the struggle is real.  I just can’t believe that the struggle has become real for me. I have failed the morning rush task.  I have two more months to figure this out and I will.  Maybe it’ll do me some good to become the morning person again. I hope so because I don’t have much of an option with it.