Body Issues

Yesterday I was at the doctor’s office with my mother-in-law and while we were waiting I overheard a conversation between the office manager and a pharmaceutical rep.  They were discussing the latest drugs.  I had a silent giggle to myself about their conversation just because anyone who knows me knows that I only take anything as a last resort. If my essential oils don’t help… then and only then will I take something.  It’s a rare occurrence.  Anyway, as the pharma rep girl got up to leave the office manager commented on how cute she looked and what a nice dress she had on.  The rep laughed and said, “Thank you, it’s my fat girl dress.”  I was stunned.

She was far from fat.  She was an attractive girl who looked well put together.  She looked healthy & thin, and by that I mean her bones weren’t sticking out.  She looked a lot smaller than me.  I’m not skinny, but I’m not fat either. I will admit to saying out loud, “You are far from fat” as she walked by me.  She glanced quickly at me and then continued to her next destination.  Hearing her say those words made me sad.  She was young, in her mid – late 20’s.  I remember being at that age.  I remember always feeling like I wasn’t good enough. Actually, I remember a time when my ex-husband told me that I didn’t look as good as I did when we first met and needed to lose some weight.  I was 23. I weighed 130lbs. and I am 5’7″. Notice I wrote “ex-husband”.  🙂   The point is, I remember feeling fat all of the time.  My body image was warped.  I struggled too.

If I am honest with you, it’s only been recently than I actually don’t think of myself as fat.  I’m healthy.  My size fluctuates between an 8 and a 10.  If I was in Hollywood, which I am not, I would be considered overweight.  Thank God I am not in Hollywood! I like to eat food and I like to eat all kinds of food.  I no longer have what I used to call my “fat clothes”.  I got rid of those because I equated them with negative self talk and they had to go.  I am getting too old for this negative body image crap and there comes a point in your life when you realize that you aren’t an airbrushed cover girl, nor do you want to be.  This whole getting older thing may play crazy tricks with your body, but your mind rocks it as it gets older!

I also read a post from a woman, who is my age, talking about how she has always struggled with her body image and it was her goal to be a certain way before she turned 40.  Last year, I said the same thing.  I wanted to look a certain way and in my head I had convinced myself that if I didn’t look a certain way by 40 that I would have failed myself.  A few months ago I realized that I am healthier than I have ever been.  My cholesterol levels came down to healthy levels for the first time in years, my blood pressure continues to rock it, I am rarely sick, and I can keep up with my 5 year old son on the playground.  I haven’t failed.  I have succeeded!  Have I made some changes, sure, but not a lot.  I take some really amazeball vitamins. We all need to make some changes to ensure we have better health, but I finally accepted my body for what it is and it’s absolutely freeing.  I am going to walk into 40 feeling confident and proud of who I am.

My heart is sad for anyone who struggles with their body image and believes that they aren’t beautiful.  You are beautiful.  You truly are.  You have got to turn out the negative thoughts and words out of your body.  You have got to talk to yourself they way you talk to you friends.  You deserve it.  Own it!  Work it! Love you.

I do.

Failing to succeed at the morning rush

So, I am not ready for Kindergarten.  It’s not just that my baby is growing up and it’s one step closer to him leaving the nest… it’s the fact that I have got to be ready to go early.  Seems small doesn’t it?  I am sure someone will ready this and roll their eyes thinking to themselves how silly this is.  Truth is, I haven’t done “early” in a really long time.  I quit going into the office five and half years ago.  I worked from home for two and half years with the baby and I worked in my pajamas most of the time.  I was home and with kids all day.  I wasn’t in a rush to get dressed for the day.  I am still not in a rush to get dressed for the day.  I am productive during this time in my pajamas… laundry, dishes, making up beds, working on my business, etc… I just do it without being dressed for the day.

It’s amazing to me how fast things changed for me in this fashion.  I used to get up at 6 AM every morning to get ready for work and I was okay with it.  I used to be a morning person.  I used to sip on my coffee while putting on my make up and doing my hair.  I would fill up my cup one more time for the ride to work.  I was good with that.  I have changed and I didn’t even realize the impact the change would have on me.  I have got to get back to that (minus the driving to work thing because I still work at home).  I have to get back to being ready for the day early.

This past week I had B take part in a local baseball camp.  It was awesome and he loved it.  The catch was  we had to be there by 8 AM.  WHAT THE HECK?!  I totally understand why and I am not complaining but it was a shock to the system.  Let’s just say that we were rushing out the door each day and some days we were late.  It’s not a big deal, it’s just camp but for me it was a preview of what is to come for school.  The clock seems to go really fast when you have somewhere to be.  I often left without makeup and hair done…. okay I always left that way.  It’s not a big deal, but it irritated me that I couldn’t get that task done.

Our oldest, N, gets himself dressed and ready for school on his own each day which is bonus because he gets up at 5:30 AM.  High school hours suck and I am grateful he is that kid who will get himself going.  It’s probably because he has always been an early riser and can’t stand to be late to anything.  I don’t like being late to anything either but it seemed that I really had an issue with getting to this camp on time.  I started questioning how I was going to get B to school on time if I couldn’t make one week of this?  I am sure we will get it together once school starts, but for now I am in questioning mode.  A part of me says to enjoy sleeping in and doing things the way we have been doing for two more months but then the other part of me says that I need to make myself get up and start my day earlier.  Go back to the routine I had when I worked outside of the home for all of those years.  It’s a stupid struggle… a first world struggle but the struggle is real.  I just can’t believe that the struggle has become real for me. I have failed the morning rush task.  I have two more months to figure this out and I will.  Maybe it’ll do me some good to become the morning person again. I hope so because I don’t have much of an option with it.

Official first day of Pre-K

first day of prek

Ugh… I did not think I would be all emotional that today is the first day of Pre-K. He’s been going to the same preschool for two years. He started off with 2 days a week and then graduated to three days a week. He loves it and he loves learning. I’m excited that he loves learning and his teacher this year is Ah-Mazing! Seriously, I love her. So excited!

I just did not expect to be emotional. It hit me that this is just the start of many years of organized education for him. He’s required to go to school every day. He’s growing up. He’s still my baby but to acknowledge that he has entered the next stage of his life… the “school phase” makes me sad. This is it. The part where they will learn as much reading, writing, arithmetic, etc as they can all while growing into the people they will become.

This isn’t new for me. N is in high school and it’s been a crazy ride for us. Exhausting almost. Then again, he is the first one and we had no clue what we were doing. Sorry buddy! I can get an idea what little B will experience in regards to what he will learn and when. How is another question. I am not sold on homeschool (scares the living daylights out of me) , public school (same as homeschool but for different reasons), or private school (expensive) yet. Good thing I have a few more months before I have to make a decision!

I had hoped that today I would feel elated to have some time to myself, but instead I feel sad.  Almost lost.  It’ll pass and I know that my daily routine will change just like his will.  We will get through this.  I look forward to watching my baby grow up and become the awesome man I know he will become.  I’m just going to miss my “baby”. 

Happy School Year!

P.S. Isn’t it cool that he wants to be a Doctor this year?  Last year he wanted to be a painter.  Will he keep this dream or change it?  Who knows!!!  

My other half

My husband is a saint. It’s the best way I can describe him. He is a very private person who gets that his wife loves to blog, tweet, Facebook, and Pin tons of stuff. He is rational, patient, and laid back. He has the ability to calm and reassure me when I am in one of my “moods”. He isn’t afraid to look at me and say, “Don’t you need essential oils right about now?” I can’t get mad because he is wise enough to say it in a joking way, and I know he is right…. I do need them.

I absolutely love being married to Jim. He is truly my other half. Marriage is work on so many levels, but for the most part it’s not “work”. I truly enjoy (almost) every minute I am with him. I can’t stay mad at him for too long because I like him too much. He is my best friend and has been since the moment we started hanging out. He is absolutely hilarious. Some of the stuff he does makes me stand back and wonder how he has functioned for as long as he has in life. Seriously, the boy can get you lost while driving in the neighborhood!

He is awesomely intelligent as well. The things that he has created in his field of expertise has blown me away. His vision is huge and his ideas are so innovative that they make his bosses nervous (they have passed on some of his ideas only to bring them back up a decade later AFTER a competitor figured a way to do something similar). We worked for the same company for a while (it’s where we met…. I know, typical workplace romance…. Except that it wasn’t). I got to work with him on some projects and got to see first hand how intelligent he is. Sometimes I think he is too smart. You know the kind? The kind that really understands how things work and can answer almost everything? That’s him, except that he doesn’t want to answer everything because he doesn’t want to be “THAT” guy.

He is just cool. Fiercely loves his kids, a man of God, not afraid to step up and help out when I really need him to, and a really down to earth guy. I am so lucky and overly grateful I am his wife. IMG_6663.JPG

I just felt like writing about him tonight and lifting him up. He doesn’t get a lot of attention and doesn’t seek a lot of attention, but he deserves it. I hope our boys are watching him and learning from him. He is an excellent example of what it is to be a good man. As long as I am with him, I am home. Love my Jim!

Parent Pouting Party

Parenting. Hands down one of the hardest things I have ever done. Most days are pretty good. There are minor things that come up and have to be addressed but mostly it is pretty good. The past three days have not been like this. It’s actually been extremely difficult.

Tonight my 14 year old is going on his first group “date”. I like that it’s a group situation but he is still nervous and honestly, so am I. It’s like sending out your kid into the world and hoping that all of the good lessons and manners you have been teaching him will actually stick with him. I hope he makes the right decisions and doesn’t act like a complete goob. His humor is different than most and he has a tendency to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. This is a test for him. It should be an easy test considering I will be at the same exact place but “minding my own business” (not really but don’t tell him). I am anxious for him.

At the same time, my 4 year old has decided that this is the week he will push every single button I own. He will test me to every limit and honestly, he has succeeded. He has visited the naughty chair more times that I can count and is currently learning what “grounded” means. He has lost all TV time for the next two days. He loves TV and he is not taking to this well. The battle that is waging is stressful and I hate the tension that has overtaken our home. I don’t tolerate naughty talk, hitting, kicking, throwing, and purposefully going out of his way to be disobedient. He did every single one of these things TODAY.

It’s tough. I love these boys with my entire heart. I would give them the moon if it was the right thing to do, but it’s not. Parenting isn’t giving your kid everything they want or justifying their actions for them. It’s disciplining when they need it. It is following through on threatened punishments when an undesired action plays out. It’s feeling like crap because you spent most of the day trying your best to keep it all together and keeping calm in the midst of the storm only to explode in to a million pieces and falling apart. It’s asking for forgiveness when you do fall apart. It’s hugging your child to let them know that even though they are in trouble they are so so so very loved and wanted. It’s encouraging your oldest and letting him know that everything will be okay and that I have faith in who he is. It’s also giving him a little extra money so he can pay for the girl’s dinner if he feels compelled to.

It’s been a tough day and not one where I want to repeat any time soon. It’s one of those days where you think that a long weekend away would restore your soul. It’s one of those days where you pout all by yourself, in the bathroom with the door locked because that is as close as you are going to get to a quiet get away. It’s also one of those days where I sit back and focus on the good days that we have had. This is a cruddy day and all parents have them. As my Mom always tells me, “This too shall pass” and I know she is right, but for now… I am going to pout.

Turn it up!

I have been awake since 3:30 AM and I am currently in the stupid stage. The stage where I find everything funny and do stupid stuff. I know the crash is coming and it’s going to be awful. I’ve got peppermint & wild orange diffusing but it’s going to take a little more than that to keep me moving. I did the second best thing… I turned on my iTunes radio and found a fun station. I geekily chose the “boy band” station because I can not lie… I loved New Kids on the Block, N’sync, 98 Degrees, and I’m sure a slew of others that I can’t recall right now.

I have been dancing like a fool and cracking myself up. The looks from my oldest are priceless and my youngest is dancing along with me. I have no clue if this will make the crash worse but for now I am going to jam out to B2K (Bump Bump Bump) because… why not. Turning up music loud has been shown to lift up your mood and keep you energized. I’m hoping it works. Bedtime isn’t for another 2 1/2 hours.

Prefix obsessions

This is a very personal post today.  A post that I struggle to write because so many people have such emotional and warped feelings about it.  It’s a little about Adoption.  It’s about the obsession of titles for all of those involved in the triad of adoption.  It irritates me beyond measure.  A couple days ago I retweeted this

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I didn’t think anything about it.  Just retweeted it and made the comment that it’s totally true.  The reason why I bring this up is because I got a reply from a person asking if we should refer to women that give birth “birth” moms.  My thought was immediately that we don’t.  We call them Mom.  I went on to read a little more about this person and her description of herself was “I enjoy poking holes through people’s deluded beliefs.”  In short, she has nothing better to do than to stir up drama and arguments for no other reason than to be a pest.  With all of the negative people in the world, I blocked her.  Her ignorance got to me because it reminded me that there are so many ignorant people filling up life with their non sense. Regardless on how you become a Mom… you  are a Mom.  Kind of like how, regardless of how you become a part of the family… you are a part of a family.  When magazines write about Hugh Jackman’s kids or the Jolie-Pitt crew they always refer to their kids as their “adopted son” or “adopted daughter”.  These children are their children regardless how they came into their family.

I am a Mom.  I became a Mom through marriage & adoption.  My oldest is my “step”son.  I have had the honor of raising of him since he was 5 years old, when his father and I were married.  My husband has custody and for the reasons that are our own, I stepped up to the plate and filled the role of Mom in his daily life.  Four years after we were married, we welcome our youngest through adoption.  Both boys are nothing less than our sons.  They are loved, supported, and encouraged unconditionally.  I refuse for society to try to make them less because they were both adopted.  I refuse for those who are ridiculously against adoption, whatever their reason may be for it, try to tell me and countless other parents that they aren’t “real” parents because there are no genetics between them. Adoptees already struggle enough with their identity at times… society does not need to go out of their way to make it harder for them by labeling them.  N was asked one time by a classmate if he “knew who his real parents were” and his response was his own.  He said, “Yes I do.  I live with them.”  The kid was confused and said, “I thought you were adopted” and N responded, “I was, but you asked if I knew my real parents and they are my real parents.”

The prefix obsessions don’t end with adoption.  My older brother happens to be gay.  He is not my “gay” brother.  He is my brother.  I have heard people refer to him as my “gay” brother and I can’t get over the fact that he has to be labeled.  He is my brother and the only prefix I use is the  “older” part because it reminds him that he is older than me. 🙂  There are countless of other prefixes and labels we put on people and it’s not necessary.  We don’t need special titles for everyone in order to make someone else feel better or to justify a situation.  All it does it separate us even more. We are all human and all desire to be loved and accepted.  This is what I aim to do and I would hope you would do the same.  When I read the new commandment that Jesus gave to his disciples, it is pretty clear what he wants us to do.  I just struggle with why others find this so hard.

John 13:34 (NIV)

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

 Embrace it and love each other.

If I ever got a tattoo, this would be it!

If I ever got a tattoo, this would be it!

 

Be open, be honest, be kind, be considerate, be supportive,and be loving.  If you can’t be those things, then please be quiet.